High-powered Baseball Agent Said His Lawyer Gave Them to Him, “Didn’t Know They Were Illegal,”
Copyright c 2009 Amazine (For Parody Purposes Only)
Tuesday, March 10th, 2009, a surprise urine test administered by the American Association of Agents, Showbiz Lawyers, and Former Governors, caught
controversial baseball agent Scott Boras in a compromising position with unacceptable levels of Negotiorone in his body. This substance, banned last year by the ABA, American Bar Association, for its members, is said to increase testosterone levels in a way that makes users more verbally aggressive. It is said to unfairly enhance strategy-making skills and assists users in thinking several steps ahead of their opponents in chess games, verbal confrontations, and in the clever exchange of pickup lines with women in bars. Donald Trump is now also being investigated for Negotiorone abuse, however he is not a member of the ABA or any particularly important organization.
In an illusory interview with Amazine, Manny Ramirez, left fielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers and a client of Boras, said, “Hey, I knew his behavior was a
little off sometimes, a little odd, you know? …but I just thought to myself, ‘that’s just Boras being Boras. I didn’t make anything of it. Some guys never really mellow with age for some reason. Go figure!”
Mike Pelfry and Carlos Beltran are both clients of Scott Boras, and both expressed shock at the test results that implicated Boras in the abuse of Negotiorone. Carlos and Mike both said together in unison, “Wow, jeez! Man! I can’t believe it!”
Alex Rodriguez, Yankee third baseman, in an imaginary interview with Amazine,
arod.bmpsaid, “With a guy like Scott Boras, he has so much natural ability as a negotiator, that its hard to tell when he’s using his own natural strengths as an arguer, and when he is juicing them with illegal substances. I was shocked when I heard the news. I had no idea.”
Pelfry, who is not yet a guest blogger for Amazine, and who has been a client of Boras since he was 13, said, “Why a guy like that who is so successful, why take a chance of getting caught? It is such a shame. It’s a bad example for the little kids! Now instead of playing ball in trashy, rockstrewn sandlots and slum-bound basketball courts all over America, these little kids are gonna hang out in law schools and business colleges, trying to organize pick-up debate teams so they can show off their new-found prowess. I tell you, it’s a real shame!”
Scott Boras, whose business operations, including the ambiguously titled “Impact Marketing,” (“impact” is a word used in association with nicotene and other addictive drugs) are centered in Newport Beach, California, could not be reached for comment, and did not respond to several imaginary inquiries by Amazine. He got a degree from the McGeorge Law School of Eastern Lompock, California, and then, showing a conspicuous degree of forethought even then, went into medical malpractice law, a type of practices that would bring him into contact with a wide variety of prescription-only substances including steroids, and eventually, Negotiorone.
Players, apparently, once sold as commodities to these high-class buyers, seem to have trouble playing baseball for several months afterwards. Andruw Jones, for example, always performed well for low salaries with the Atlanta Braves, but choked up when paid $36.2 million with the Los Angeles Dodgers and never broke .200 at the plate. A-Rod, Johnny Damon, and even Beltran (in his first year with the Mets) had lesser slumps after working with Boras. If Manny Ramirez has had new emotional problems after the recent negotiations with the Dodgers, no one seems to be able to tell. It now seems evident that most normal players who work with Scott Boras soon need to take Negotiorone in order to deal with and become blissfully oblivious to the responsibilities involved with playing a child’s game for a salary greater than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
Barack Obama may establish a new congressional panel for discussing regular testing for members of congress and used car dealers for the possible abuse of Negotiorone. Voters are calling for The Onion and other responsible newspapers to investigate other possible misuses of this long-abused drug. The irony is, it may take the entire U.S. congress, under the influence of Negotiorone to negotiate with Scott Boras to talk him into bringing baseball players’ salaries back down to earth. As the old expression goes, sometimes you need the hair of the dog that bit you to heal the wound.