Tagged: baseball parody Jose Reyes Mets 2008 Philadelphia humor

Kings of Baseball Book 2 Chapter 14; The Reign of Amaziah

The Once and Future King

 

 

 

 

 

 


jose-reyes-espn-cover-06.gif 
Kings of Baseball Book 2Chapter 14מְלָכִים ב

א  בִּשְׁנַת שְׁתַּיִם, לְיוֹאָשׁ בֶּן-יוֹאָחָז מֶלֶךְ יִשְׂרָאֵל, מָלַךְ אֲמַצְיָהוּ בֶן-יוֹאָשׁ, מֶלֶךְ יְהוּדָה.

1 In the third year of Randolph, son of Torre,  king of the House of Ruth, he begat Amaziah the son of  Jose Manuel Reyes, to be king of Judah (Flushing) to reign.

ב  בֶּן-עֶשְׂרִים וְחָמֵשׁ שָׁנָה, הָיָה בְמָלְכוֹ, וְעֶשְׂרִים וָתֵשַׁע שָׁנָה, מָלַךְ בִּירוּשָׁלִָם; וְשֵׁם אִמּוֹ, יהועדין (יְהוֹעַדָּן) מִן-יְרוּשָׁלִָם.

2 He was twenty and five years old (on June 11th of the 2008 season) when he began to reign as king of the National League; and he reigned twenty and nine years in Flushing; and his mother’s name was Josephina of Santiago.

ג  וַיַּעַשׂ הַיָּשָׁר, בְּעֵינֵי יְהוָה–רַק, לֹא כְּדָוִד אָבִיו:  כְּכֹל אֲשֶׁר-עָשָׂה יוֹאָשׁ אָבִיו, עָשָׂה.

3 And he did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, yet not like David his brother (the third baseman); but he did according to all that Willie his father had done.

ד  רַק הַבָּמוֹת, לֹא-סָרוּ:  עוֹד הָעָם מְזַבְּחִים וּמְקַטְּרִים, בַּבָּמוֹת.

4 Howbeit the high places were not taken away from the Phillie-stines; the people still sacrificed and bunted and attained to high places in the standings.

ה  וַיְהִי, כַּאֲשֶׁר חָזְקָה הַמַּמְלָכָה בְּיָדוֹ; וַיַּךְ, אֶת-עֲבָדָיו, הַמַּכִּים, אֶת-הַמֶּלֶךְ אָבִיו.

5 And it came to pass, as soon as the kingdom of first place was established in his hand, that he slew the Phillie-stines who had slain the king from the House of Ruth, Willie his father (on June 17th of that season, only six days into his reign).

ו  וְאֶת-בְּנֵי הַמַּכִּים, לֹא הֵמִית:  כַּכָּתוּב בְּסֵפֶר תּוֹרַת-מֹשֶׁה אֲשֶׁר-צִוָּה יְהוָה לֵאמֹר, לֹא-יוּמְתוּ אָבוֹת עַל-בָּנִים וּבָנִים לֹא-יוּמְתוּ עַל-אָבוֹת–כִּי אִם-אִישׁ בְּחֶטְאוֹ, ימות (יוּמָת).

6 but the runners of the batters he put not out; according to that which is written in the book of the law of Cartwright, as the LORD commanded saying: ‘The batters shall not be put out  for the baserunners, nor the baserunners be put out for the batters; but every man shall be put out for his own sin.’

ז  הוּא-הִכָּה אֶת-אֱדוֹם בְּגֵי-המלח (מֶלַח), עֲשֶׂרֶת אֲלָפִים, וְתָפַשׂ אֶת-הַסֶּלַע, בַּמִּלְחָמָה; וַיִּקְרָא אֶת-שְׁמָהּ יָקְתְאֵל, עַד הַיּוֹם הַזֶּה.  {פ}

7 He slew Philies fans in the Valley of Salt Peanuts at Citizens’ Bank Park, ten thousand fans, and took the NL East by war, and called the name of it Philadelphia, unto this day. 

ח  אָז שָׁלַח אֲמַצְיָה מַלְאָכִים, אֶל-יְהוֹאָשׁ בֶּן-יְהוֹאָחָז בֶּן-יֵהוּא מֶלֶךְ יִשְׂרָאֵל לֵאמֹר:  לְכָה, נִתְרָאֶה פָנִים.

8 Then Amaziah sent messengers to the Marlins, the sons of  Fredi Gonzalez, saying: ‘Come, let us look one another in the face.’

ט  וַיִּשְׁלַח יְהוֹאָשׁ מֶלֶךְ-יִשְׂרָאֵל, אֶל-אֲמַצְיָהוּ מֶלֶךְ-יְהוּדָה לֵאמֹר, הַחוֹחַ אֲשֶׁר בַּלְּבָנוֹן שָׁלַח אֶל-הָאֶרֶז אֲשֶׁר בַּלְּבָנוֹן לֵאמֹר, תְּנָה-אֶת-בִּתְּךָ לִבְנִי לְאִשָּׁה; וַתַּעֲבֹר חַיַּת הַשָּׂדֶה, אֲשֶׁר בַּלְּבָנוֹן, וַתִּרְמֹס, אֶת-הַחוֹחַ.

9 And Fredi the king of the Marlins  sent to Amaziah king of Judah (Flushing), saying: ‘The thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon, saying: Give thy daughter to my son to wife; and there passed by the wild beasts that were in Lebanon, and trod down the thistle.  And Amaziah replied, “Say what?”

י  הַכֵּה הִכִּיתָ אֶת-אֱדוֹם, וּנְשָׂאֲךָ לִבֶּךָ; הִכָּבֵד, וְשֵׁב בְּבֵיתֶךָ, וְלָמָּה תִתְגָּרֶה בְּרָעָה, וְנָפַלְתָּה אַתָּה וִיהוּדָה עִמָּךְ.

10 Thou hast indeed smitten Philadelphia, and will thy heart lift thee up? Glory therein, and remain at home; for why shouldest thou meddle with evil, that thou shouldest fall, even thou, and Flushing with thee?

יא  וְלֹא-שָׁמַע אֲמַצְיָהוּ–וַיַּעַל יְהוֹאָשׁ מֶלֶךְ-יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיִּתְרָאוּ פָנִים, הוּא וַאֲמַצְיָהוּ מֶלֶךְ-יְהוּדָה:  בְּבֵית שֶׁמֶשׁ, אֲשֶׁר לִיהוּדָה.

11 But Amaziah would not hear. So Fredi king of the Marlins went up; and he and Amaziah king of Judah looked one another in the face at Shea, which belongeth to Flushing.

יב  וַיִּנָּגֶף יְהוּדָה, לִפְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל; וַיָּנֻסוּ, אִישׁ לְאֹהָלָו.

12 And Flushing was put to the worse before The Fish; and they fled every man to his dugout on September 26th and 28th, and eliminated the sons of Shea.

יג  וְאֵת אֲמַצְיָהוּ מֶלֶךְ-יְהוּדָה בֶּן-יְהוֹאָשׁ בֶּן-אֲחַזְיָהוּ, תָּפַשׂ יְהוֹאָשׁ מֶלֶךְ-יִשְׂרָאֵל–בְּבֵית שָׁמֶשׁ; ויבאו (וַיָּבֹא), יְרוּשָׁלִַם, וַיִּפְרֹץ בְּחוֹמַת יְרוּשָׁלִַם בְּשַׁעַר אֶפְרַיִם עַד-שַׁעַר הַפִּנָּה, אַרְבַּע מֵאוֹת אַמָּה.

13 And Fredi Gonzalez took Amaziah king of Flushing, the son of Willie the son of Torre, and came to Queens, and broke down the outfield wall of Beltran from the E gate of Shea unto the corner gate, four hundred cubits.

יד  וְלָקַח אֶת-כָּל-הַזָּהָב-וְהַכֶּסֶף וְאֵת כָּל-הַכֵּלִים הַנִּמְצְאִים בֵּית-יְהוָה, וּבְאֹצְרוֹת בֵּית הַמֶּלֶךְ, וְאֵת, בְּנֵי הַתַּעֲרֻבוֹת; וַיָּשָׁב, שֹׁמְרוֹנָה.

14 And he took all the gold and silver, and all the ticket sales that were found in the house of Shea, and in the treasures of the king’s house, the hostages also, and returned to Miami.

טו  וְיֶתֶר דִּבְרֵי יְהוֹאָשׁ אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה, וּגְבוּרָתוֹ, וַאֲשֶׁר נִלְחַם, עִם אֲמַצְיָהוּ מֶלֶךְ-יְהוּדָה:  הֲלֹא-הֵם כְּתוּבִים, עַל-סֵפֶר דִּבְרֵי הַיָּמִים–לְמַלְכֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל.

15 Now the rest of the acts of Fredi which he did, and his might, and how he fought with Amaziah king of Flushing  are they not written in the book of the chronicles of the kings of the Town of Cooper?

טז  וַיִּשְׁכַּב יְהוֹאָשׁ, עִם-אֲבֹתָיו, וַיִּקָּבֵר בְּשֹׁמְרוֹן, עִם מַלְכֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל; וַיִּמְלֹךְ יָרָבְעָם בְּנוֹ, תַּחְתָּיו.  {פ}

16 And Willie slept with his fathers, and was buried in Milwaukee with the kings of Wisconsin; and Jerry (Manuel) his son reigned in his stead.

יז  וַיְחִי אֲמַצְיָהוּ בֶן-יוֹאָשׁ, מֶלֶךְ יְהוּדָה, אַחֲרֵי מוֹת, יְהוֹאָשׁ בֶּן-יְהוֹאָחָז מֶלֶךְ יִשְׂרָאֵל–חֲמֵשׁ עֶשְׂרֵה, שָׁנָה.

17 And Amaziah the son of Willie king of Flushing lived after the demise of Willie son of Torre king of New York  fifteen seasons.

יח  וְיֶתֶר, דִּבְרֵי אֲמַצְיָהוּ:  הֲלֹא-הֵם כְּתֻבִים, עַל-סֵפֶר דִּבְרֵי הַיָּמִים–לְמַלְכֵי יְהוּדָה.

18 Now the rest of the acts of Amaziah, are they not written in the book of the chronicles of the kings of the Town of Cooper?

יט  וַיִּקְשְׁרוּ עָלָיו קֶשֶׁר בִּירוּשָׁלִַם, וַיָּנָס לָכִישָׁה; וַיִּשְׁלְחוּ אַחֲרָיו לָכִישָׁה, וַיְמִתֻהוּ שָׁם.

19 And they made a conspiracy against him in New York; and he fled to Port St Lucie; but they sent after him to Port St Lucie, and put him on the DL there.

כ  וַיִּשְׂאוּ אֹתוֹ, עַל-הַסּוּסִים; וַיִּקָּבֵר בִּירוּשָׁלִַם עִם-אֲבֹתָיו, בְּעִיר דָּוִד.

20 And they compared him to 24 horses; and yet he was buried on the DL with his baseball fathers in the city of David Wright.

כא  וַיִּקְחוּ כָּל-עַם יְהוּדָה, אֶת-עֲזַרְיָה, וְהוּא, בֶּן-שֵׁשׁ עֶשְׂרֵה שָׁנָה; וַיַּמְלִכוּ אֹתוֹ, תַּחַת אָבִיו אֲמַצְיָהוּ.

21 And all the people of Flushing took Corey, who was sixteen years old, and made him king in the basepaths of his father Amaziah.

כב  הוּא בָּנָה אֶת-אֵילַת, וַיְשִׁבֶהָ לִיהוּדָה, אַחֲרֵי שְׁכַב-הַמֶּלֶךְ, עִם-אֲבֹתָיו.  {פ}

22 And Jerry built Citifield, and restored it to Flushing, after that the king Willie slept with his fathers.

כג  בִּשְׁנַת חֲמֵשׁ-עֶשְׂרֵה שָׁנָה, לַאֲמַצְיָהוּ בֶן-יוֹאָשׁ מֶלֶךְ יְהוּדָה–מָלַךְ יָרָבְעָם בֶּן-יוֹאָשׁ מֶלֶךְ-יִשְׂרָאֵל, בְּשֹׁמְרוֹן, אַרְבָּעִים וְאַחַת, שָׁנָה.

23 In the fifteenth year of Amaziah the son of Willie son of Torre king of the House of Ruth began to reign in the NL East, and reigned forty and one years.

כד  וַיַּעַשׂ הָרַע, בְּעֵינֵי יְהוָה:  לֹא סָר, מִכָּל-חַטֹּאות יָרָבְעָם בֶּן-נְבָט, אֲשֶׁר הֶחֱטִיא, אֶת-יִשְׂרָאֵל.

24 And Jerry did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD; he departed not from all the errors of Willie the son of Torre, wherewith he made the Mets to stink.

כה  הוּא, הֵשִׁיב אֶת-גְּבוּל יִשְׂרָאֵל, מִלְּבוֹא חֲמָת, עַד-יָם הָעֲרָבָה–כִּדְבַר יְהוָה, אֱלֹהֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל, אֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר בְּיַד-עַבְדּוֹ יוֹנָה בֶן-אֲמִתַּי הַנָּבִיא, אֲשֶׁר מִגַּת הַחֵפֶר.

25 And Fredi restored the order of Miami from the entrance of Fort Lauderdale unto the sea of the Atlantic, according to the word of the LORD, the God of Miami, which He spoke by the hand of His servant Jonah the son of Amittai, the prophet, who was a gatekeeper.

כו  כִּי-רָאָה יְהוָה אֶת-עֳנִי יִשְׂרָאֵל, מֹרֶה מְאֹד; וְאֶפֶס עָצוּר וְאֶפֶס עָזוּב, וְאֵין עֹזֵר לְיִשְׂרָאֵל.

26 For the LORD of Baseball saw the affliction of the Mets, that it was very bitter; for there were none to throw shut outs  nor any lefties at large, neither was there any helper for the Mets.

כז  וְלֹא-דִבֶּר יְהוָה–לִמְחוֹת אֶת-שֵׁם יִשְׂרָאֵל, מִתַּחַת הַשָּׁמָיִם; וַיּוֹשִׁיעֵם, בְּיַד יָרָבְעָם בֶּן-יוֹאָשׁ.

27 And the LORD said not that He would blot out the name of the Mets from under heaven; but He saved them by the hand of Jerry the son of Willie.

כח  וְיֶתֶר דִּבְרֵי יָרָבְעָם וְכָל-אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה, וּגְבוּרָתוֹ אֲשֶׁר-נִלְחָם, וַאֲשֶׁר הֵשִׁיב אֶת-דַּמֶּשֶׂק וְאֶת-חֲמָת לִיהוּדָה, בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל:  הֲלֹא-הֵם כְּתוּבִים, עַל-סֵפֶר דִּבְרֵי הַיָּמִים–לְמַלְכֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל.

28 Now the rest of the acts of Jerry, and all that he did, and his might, how he warred, and how he recovered the NL Pennant in 2010, for Flushing, are they not written in the book of the chronicles of the kings of the Town of Cooper?

כט  וַיִּשְׁכַּב יָרָבְעָם עִם-אֲבֹתָיו, עִם מַלְכֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל; וַיִּמְלֹךְ זְכַרְיָה בְנוֹ, תַּחְתָּיו.  {פ}

29 And Jerry’s statue stood with his fathers, even with the kings of the House of Ruth, in the town of Cooper, where the records of baseball are kept.

 

Advertisements