Tagged: basball humor mets puns opening day satire national league april 6th 2009

(Mis)Leading Stories: OHIO’S AGGRESSIVE HARANG GOES ON AND ON AGAINST NEW YORK

OHIO’S AGGRESSIVE HARANG GOES ON AND ON AGAINST NEW YORK:

Cincinnati starting pitcher, Aaron Harang, who has said he would be more “aggressive ” on the mound this year, hurled  a remarkable 114 pitches under deplorable 37 degree weather conditions at Great American Ballpark in Cincinnati, Ohio, but lost to Johan Santana and the New York Mets,  2-1, who got help from their new bullpen. In an unrelated story, Cleveland’s Dennis Kucinich continued to blast the “unethical” behavior of Wall Street behemoth Citibank for refusing to abandon their sponsorship of the 2009 New York Mets in spite of a major government bailout to keep the company solvent. This journal/zine has no opinion about that, having supported both the Mets and Congressman Kucinich in previous circumstances.

A HUMBLE CHURCH NEEDETH NO “CHEF:”

Only one day after the news was announced that the Mets had acquired future Hall of Famer Gary “The Chef” Sheffield to play right field this year, Ryan “Who Needs That Other Guy?” Church (last year’s platooned right fielder) put on a spectacular demonstration of right fielding in today’s game against the Reds. He made a glove-at-the-hip sliding catch just like Junior Griffey used to make in that spot, only one-upped the Junior by first bouncing the ball off his hip then catching it in midair while continuing his slide through the mud. He then jumped up and fired to first to double up the runner, a 9-3 double play. Church’s circus trick made the runner stop in his tracks, thinking the ball had hit the ground, a remarkable bit of strategy by Mr. Church. Church also got two hits to bring his batting average to .500 on the season , as if to say, “This Church does not need a chef!” He also stole second. Just in case anyone was watching. 

JOHAN, SABATHIA BACK, MAESTRO PRODUCES MASTERPIECE:

Johan Santana, the Mets ace starter, returning from a brief stint on the disabled lists, pitched a masterful 5 2/3 innings against the Reds, firing 7 strikeouts, and allowing only three hits and one run,  employing  99 pitches in this masterwork under adverse 37 degree conditions. The major key to the Mets success this season, the maestro looked somewhat stiff, but his elbow “felt fine,” he said.

On the other hand, the Yankee ace, C.C. Sabathia, back in uniform after being traded to the Yankees, hit a sour note while playing the Orioles in an opening day game viewed by Vice President Biden. He left with one out in the fifth having given up six runs, with eight hits, five walks and no strikeouts. His ERA is now 12.46 on the year.

DAMAGED BY OPENER, COKE GOES FLAT, OFFERS LITTLE RELIEF

Yankees reliever Phil Coke appeared in late innings Monday against the Baltimore Orioles in the season opener in an effort to slow down the boo birds, but offered little relief. His pitching just put the game more out of reach for the win-thirsty Bombers. Although Coke had sparkled last year with an 0.61 ERA in 14.2 innings  (1-0) his ERA for 2009 is already 10.80, having given up a homer and two earned runs, plus a walk in only 1 2/3 innings against the Orioles. Coke, a new generation of Yankee, needs to get more pop in his fastball if he’s to prove he’s the real thing.

A-ROD NOT WORTH RANSOM

Cody Ransom will be the Yankees starting third baseman for a while, while Alex Rodriguez is recovering from hip surgery. In yesterday’s opening game he played 7 innings without an error. Last year he hit 4 homers in 43 at bats, with 8 RBIs, maintaining a .302 average. Rasom’s home run average in 2008 was one homer per 10.7 at bats. During the same season, A-Rod also maintained a .302 average, but hit only 35 homers in 510 at bats, for a home run average of one homer every 14.5 at bats, almost 50% lower than Ransom’s. Ransom’s 2004 salary, the last published, was $303,000. Bedridden Alex Rodriguez’s salary for 2009 is $28,000,000. What’s wrong with this picture?

STAIRS MISSING, PHILLIES STUMBLE:

On Sunday night, the Braves beat the Philadelphia Phillies in the season opener, 4-1, defeating Myers whose ERA went to 6.0, but where was Matt Stairs, the Phillies recently acquired outfielder? He went 1-4 in post season play with the Phillies last year. Why didn’t he appear in the opener? His bat might have helped the Phils and kept them from stumbling.

 

JUNIOR QUAFFS HR CUP WITH VETERAN, MARINERS, FEELS ELATED:

Ken Griffey, Jr. hit his 612th career homer in the Seattle opener Monday, and it was his eighth Opening Day homer, tying a major league record long held by  veteran Hall of Famer,  Frank Robinson. It was also his 399th homer as a Seattle Mariner, which is a franchise record. Griffey celebrated, clearly “elated” to be back in Seattle.

FORMER ANGEL SAVES NEW YORK:

The Mets new closer,  “K Rod,” recently acquired from the California Angels, got his first National League save today in the season opener. It was a “must win” game for the Mets and a real squeaker at that. The final score was 2-1, as Francisco Rodriguez, aka K Rod, got the Mets out of a jam, saving them from what would have been an embarrassing defeat.

BAKER’S HELPERS DROP “SILVER PLATTER” IN MUD THREE TIMES:

The manager of the Cincinnati Reds, “Dusty” Baker, sat in the dugout Monday afternoon aghast as Darnell McDonald and two other Reds dropped three easy fly balls in a row in the opening day match against the New York Mets. These three flies were so easy they might as well have been “served on a silver platter,” but all three were bungled nonetheless. Only one run scored in that inning, but those three players are now “toast” as far as the angry Baker is concerned.

CHURCH STEALS WITHOUT SHAME:

Ryan Church, trying to save his job from being outsourced  to former Detroit bailout Gary Sheffield, got two hits and stole a base off of starter Aaron Harang in the opening game of the season.

LINCOLN , GREAT AMERICAN, TOUGH ON UPSTARTS:

Reliever for the Reds, “America’s Oldest  Team,”  Mike Lincoln, pitching Monday at Cincinnati’s Great American Ballpark, walked only one and held the expansion upstarts, the New York Mets hitless in the seventh. In an interview with Amazine, an anonymous fan said, “Yeah, that Mike Lincoln, he’s tough on the Mets, but then so is this ballpark! The Mets always seem to have trouble here!”

McDONALD MIMICS BOZO, JUGGLES THREE BALLS:

Reds outfielder Darnell McDonald, in a rare display of butterfingers, bobbled three easy plays in a row in today’s game against the Mets, but was charged with only one error.  One fan said he “looked like Bozo out there!” He insisted he was not clowning around, but was fighting the intense rain that was falling.

MURPHY  LAYS DOWN THE LAW:

Daniel Murphy, in what should be his first  full season, laid down the law for the Cincinnati Reds, hitting his third career homer to put the Mets ahead 1-0 in the fifth inning, and then got an rbi with the bases loaded.

PUTZ, WEATHERS, STORM:  

New Met  J.J. Putz (class of 2009) and old former Met David Weathers, (class of 2004) faced off in the eighth inning of today’s storm-buffeted matchup in frigid Cincinnati and both kept the opponents scoreless in one inning of middle relief.

JAY  FIELDS WRIGHT AT HOME AFTER ONE YEAR IN PARK

In only his second season in the outfield at Great America Ballpark, the Reds’ Jay Bruce seems confident in his new habitat, throwing out the Mets’ David Wright at home plate on a one out single.  There had been runners at first and second and Wright was safely at third, when Jay Bruce bobbled the ball. Wright was waved home, but Jay let one fly and shot down Wright at home plate.

 

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